today

its been more difficult this weekend. visited SIU for unofficial and to see my bf and brother this weekend. but the problem was is that this week i was switching. so going to SIU it was good. but while i was there i freaked out. i switched all the way. so leaving i was really depressed. and i don't know how to explain it to anyone, especially the boyfriend, how i feel and that i miss him so much and that i can't rationalize why its so bad this time, which makes me freak out more. i really miss my boyfriend and wish he could visit two weekends in a row. i'm hoping works not a dick now and schedules me for the weekend he's coming in. but i wish the bf would come both for halloween here and the weekend after. I really enjoy being with him and his touch and everything. and i feel like it doesn't come across. but i feel like this past weekend was a hard one to go by. I just hope he feels like it is going good and everything.

i'm always second best, second choice, second place.... guess i should get used to it.

a new day?

so turns out i tend to only post here when i'm upset... obviously. ha. <3 but right now all i have to say is love is the cruse god gave man. it comes fast and hard, is good for a while, then lingers way past when its wanted.

Its hard to love someone that you feel sometimes just used you and just got used to you over time. i know he may see this and get mad i feel this way. but its how i feel. i miss him terribly and don't know what to do sometimes. he was my better half and that was obvious.

sometimes i wonder what i could have changed to made things better...

Life's goin

Even though i'm moving on it still hurts to see you with someone thats not me. Even though I know we weren't good together, at least not at the moment. it still hurts and it sucks. I miss you, i miss us, even though i know it wasn't the best.

didn't do hookah today, could be why i'm so off... ha. idk what to do anymore. I like work, like a lot, but I wish we had more customers and that i had more constant hours. but hey. I like my co workers!

I guess my biggest fear that has been blown up even worse since the break up is that no one likes me for me. oh well.. I learned trying to hide me just makes me angry. so who knows.

I'm happy with who I am, I just wish i was more accepted...

time will heal all... i wish time passed faster sometimes.

checking in again.

TO MY WONDERFUL READERS:


remembering times that make u happy and smiling about them and them not bringing u down even tho they wont happen again, thats life #winning


through the current events in my life of the past week. my life has been uber crazy yet also really boring. I'm still trying to find that good middle ground at work =). Boys will be boys, people are stupid (exponentially when alcohol is involved), people over react, make right and wrong decisions, go back to whats safe, hide, smile, laugh, be true, everything. And all over one weekend I learned this. ha. 


Through life i've had hard times, (been cheated on, broken up with, had my heart broken, not done well in school, lost love ones) but i've had good times, (passing a hard class, learning i'm better then what i pegged myself as, found new love, lost love yet gained a new respect, amazing job, amazing friends). I learned through them all that life still goes on. its very short. if we don't smile and let yesterday be yesterday (sometimes things carry over b/c of actions taken) we never move forward and on with our lives. 


In finding love in myself within loving my personality and looks (looks i am still working on but i love myself) i have found even if i try to change for someone, the true me is always there,


me = bubbly, outgoing, crazy, calm when needed, always ready to be a joke if needed, loving, and caring. 


I have learned that if I am not me I am rude and always wanting to fight. I don't like this or suppressing me. so i'm not going to anymore. I have friends that love me for me and like me for who i am. Lifes starting to go well. 


Love Nyk until next check in <3


P.S. Even though I miss a certain someone. we're to different and i know that. I still love you and probably won't stop loving you because you where my first true love. Now to move on, remember what i've learned growing up, and find my soulmate. (yes i'm being a tad bit cheesy, remember its 1:30am.) 




LOVE YOURSELF AND BE YOURSELF : DON'T CHANGE FOR ANYONE

So I love my Cousin, He always is just a calm person and amazing listener. An Amazing person!

I'm starting to feel better about things. I get that pull at the heart strings when i see a pic of my ex and his new gf. but their happy and B*tch i'm better then someone putting me down. Learning to love myself and keeping this up and up gets tough sometimes, but i just remember i'm attractive when i'm happy and smile. I also remember that my Psych TA told me, if you just start to smile, ppl may think your crazy, but just keep smiling and it'll help you be more positive and happy. Its so true. Just think "Bitch Please" and smile! it helps in ANY situation out there.

Witney Huston was right in her song Greatest Love of All."The greatest love of all / Is easy to achieve / Learning to love yourself / It is the greatest love of all " even though its coming again, This time i'm alone and learning to love me for me and improving myself to be a better me. 

sometimes i just want to tell the truth and ruin everything, but then i remember, thats never a good idea... for anyone at all