today

its been more difficult this weekend. visited SIU for unofficial and to see my bf and brother this weekend. but the problem was is that this week i was switching. so going to SIU it was good. but while i was there i freaked out. i switched all the way. so leaving i was really depressed. and i don't know how to explain it to anyone, especially the boyfriend, how i feel and that i miss him so much and that i can't rationalize why its so bad this time, which makes me freak out more. i really miss my boyfriend and wish he could visit two weekends in a row. i'm hoping works not a dick now and schedules me for the weekend he's coming in. but i wish the bf would come both for halloween here and the weekend after. I really enjoy being with him and his touch and everything. and i feel like it doesn't come across. but i feel like this past weekend was a hard one to go by. I just hope he feels like it is going good and everything.

i'm always second best, second choice, second place.... guess i should get used to it.

a new day?

so turns out i tend to only post here when i'm upset... obviously. ha. <3 but right now all i have to say is love is the cruse god gave man. it comes fast and hard, is good for a while, then lingers way past when its wanted.

Its hard to love someone that you feel sometimes just used you and just got used to you over time. i know he may see this and get mad i feel this way. but its how i feel. i miss him terribly and don't know what to do sometimes. he was my better half and that was obvious.

sometimes i wonder what i could have changed to made things better...

Life's goin

Even though i'm moving on it still hurts to see you with someone thats not me. Even though I know we weren't good together, at least not at the moment. it still hurts and it sucks. I miss you, i miss us, even though i know it wasn't the best.

didn't do hookah today, could be why i'm so off... ha. idk what to do anymore. I like work, like a lot, but I wish we had more customers and that i had more constant hours. but hey. I like my co workers!

I guess my biggest fear that has been blown up even worse since the break up is that no one likes me for me. oh well.. I learned trying to hide me just makes me angry. so who knows.

I'm happy with who I am, I just wish i was more accepted...

time will heal all... i wish time passed faster sometimes.

checking in again.

TO MY WONDERFUL READERS:


remembering times that make u happy and smiling about them and them not bringing u down even tho they wont happen again, thats life #winning


through the current events in my life of the past week. my life has been uber crazy yet also really boring. I'm still trying to find that good middle ground at work =). Boys will be boys, people are stupid (exponentially when alcohol is involved), people over react, make right and wrong decisions, go back to whats safe, hide, smile, laugh, be true, everything. And all over one weekend I learned this. ha. 


Through life i've had hard times, (been cheated on, broken up with, had my heart broken, not done well in school, lost love ones) but i've had good times, (passing a hard class, learning i'm better then what i pegged myself as, found new love, lost love yet gained a new respect, amazing job, amazing friends). I learned through them all that life still goes on. its very short. if we don't smile and let yesterday be yesterday (sometimes things carry over b/c of actions taken) we never move forward and on with our lives. 


In finding love in myself within loving my personality and looks (looks i am still working on but i love myself) i have found even if i try to change for someone, the true me is always there,


me = bubbly, outgoing, crazy, calm when needed, always ready to be a joke if needed, loving, and caring. 


I have learned that if I am not me I am rude and always wanting to fight. I don't like this or suppressing me. so i'm not going to anymore. I have friends that love me for me and like me for who i am. Lifes starting to go well. 


Love Nyk until next check in <3


P.S. Even though I miss a certain someone. we're to different and i know that. I still love you and probably won't stop loving you because you where my first true love. Now to move on, remember what i've learned growing up, and find my soulmate. (yes i'm being a tad bit cheesy, remember its 1:30am.) 




LOVE YOURSELF AND BE YOURSELF : DON'T CHANGE FOR ANYONE

So I love my Cousin, He always is just a calm person and amazing listener. An Amazing person!

I'm starting to feel better about things. I get that pull at the heart strings when i see a pic of my ex and his new gf. but their happy and B*tch i'm better then someone putting me down. Learning to love myself and keeping this up and up gets tough sometimes, but i just remember i'm attractive when i'm happy and smile. I also remember that my Psych TA told me, if you just start to smile, ppl may think your crazy, but just keep smiling and it'll help you be more positive and happy. Its so true. Just think "Bitch Please" and smile! it helps in ANY situation out there.

Witney Huston was right in her song Greatest Love of All."The greatest love of all / Is easy to achieve / Learning to love yourself / It is the greatest love of all " even though its coming again, This time i'm alone and learning to love me for me and improving myself to be a better me. 

sometimes i just want to tell the truth and ruin everything, but then i remember, thats never a good idea... for anyone at all

I have to lie to make you happy but i guess its for the right reasons now?

why am i put though hell for trying to do the right thing when i don't think its right?

Meh

No Matter how hard i try, i always end up the best friend...

Feelings

I feel left behind. =( no one wants to see me, at least no one tells me they do....

today

It should've been a kind of good day, hard final then a friend feeling me. should've been good. Last night and not having my bff/ex bf here to help me through it all, just ruined everything. I feel like i should be like everyone else and just have a good time. why can't i?

Bad day

So today my Guinea Pig Maddi Died... I'm really distraught... I wish someone could just come cuddle with me... I guess bad things happen in hundreds... ='(

even cleaning is making me feel depressed... Finding things that remind me of us. Oh Well... Gotta look at the bright side of things, Major final tomorrow... wait...

Just A Reminder!

To all who read this. Just like i said in my first post and in the name of my blog, this is my place to vent and get out how I am feeling so i can learn to heal and become more confident and happy with myself and who i am and what i need to fix about myself. Its no one else's opinions or feelings, if you have a problem or issue with me or what i'm writing, please take it up with me! Its no one else's business.

 please and thank you! 

Meh

The hardest part about my life right now is seeing the man i love happy with another girl. Even though I try to flirt, Try to make myself feel better, I just always end up feeling unloveable because I don't believe that anyone else will even like me more then just friends. I guess I should just give up. Maybe its best. I wish he never left every night, everyday i remember he is pretty much my only friend. I feel like a useless being and that i'm just taking up resources because since i'm not loveable, what else is there?

man i really gotta start getting to sleep before 1am... but people say alcohol brings out the truth from people, time brings out mine i guess...

looks

I guess i'm getting over the ex, looking at the pics of his new gf, i realize how not pretty she is, ha! i guess thats a good thing. Since when we where together i thought she was. but i guess being a B**ch to that extent changes how you look. I mean, realizing how pretty i am and how much he demoted in the looks department helps is a good thing i guess. =) to good for this sh*t. No boy is worth this crazy hurt that i've been through. i'm done crying, I might cry now to change who i am and learning what i do need to change, but not for a boy who took my heart and stomped on it. Just gonna live life, be pretty, love myself for who I am, and be happy

Meow

Rawr

upset

I feel like the old toy tossed in the corner. I feel like once something new came along i was just thrown away. you feel nostalgic about the past, but are elated about the new

events

Idk why this is all happening to me. I have a couple good friends that I feel ok going to I guess. Today just sucked. getting in a fight with an ex, getting fired for a bs reason, social anxiety spurring up, night issues starting again... idk how much more I can take before I just snap... summer can't come soon enough.. Ohio in a week and 3 days... I really can't wait. it'll be nice to just get somewhere new. I just hope my travel anxiety doesn't kick in =(

Today

Today i cut my ex's hair. first civil thing in a while. give me hope we can be friends with out complications. seams good.
Also hung out on D4 pretty much all day. Mainly with the same few people, especially one in general... I hate that in two weeks everyone is going home and i'm in DeKalb. =(

Today

Today was settling. sorting things out feels nice <3

Loving myself

So boy was a fluke. Boys are moronic. i need to stick to girls. ha!! But i'm learning to have fun with myself, remember who i was and know i learned it through dan and with him, but know its me to keep it around and grow with it. Life's difficult. Just gotta punch it in the face and say F**K YOU i'm not giving in!

Tonight.

I can't wait. that boy's coming over tonight. =) I can say i'm happy, through all the shit i deal with and all the complications right now, it makes me happy to know he's willing, at 1:30 am, come all the way out to me. The rain doesn't even bother me right now.

Living again

I met this guy again. He's so wonderful. pushing me for what i want. he's gorgeous too. I'm happy i know him and we're trying to see where things lead. I really can't wait. Even though I'm healing, this last weekend was so wonderful. it helped me so much. I can't wait to learn what my life brings now.

Looks?

You always said to not go down the chain after we broke up, to only go up with looks, date someone better looking then you. did you not take your own advice? you always said you would never date her when we where dating, that she had smaller tits then me (that you wouldn't date her cause they where so small it would be crazy to go from mine to hers), worse looks, chubby like me. so to me that means i'm prettier then her... but yet. after only two weeks apart your with her. i'm confused. did you decide to go down or where you lying?

its been a while... my lifes a lie now...

why do i feel douped? like i was pushed on a lie? that everyone is just lying to me to try to make me feel better sometimes? why does it make me feel worse? why can't i understand life and how it works and why some people can love but still give it away but say they still love the person? I don't understand. I always learned that if you love it and it loves you, don't get rid of it. love conqures. but you say you love me, but you want to let me go rather then anything else. i mean i guess the saying to "love and lose is better then to never love at all" is true, but it doesn't feel it, the hurts so much. why do i feel like the last few weeks, the last promises of trying to make things better where a lie, that you knew this was gonna happen, that you knew that you one day soon where gonna be with katie, that you knew you had to hurt me to be happy, but you lied and said we'll work on it...